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Friday, August 26, 2005

Living in Florida Sucks (with a capital "S") 

Well, it just plain sucks to live in Florida.
Hurricane Katrina hit South Florida and we South Floridians continued to do stupid things...
like the guy who tried driving his semi in the storm, only to have it pushed over while trying to ride over an overpass. And the other poor fools who left their homes and tried to go on with life. And died. A tree fell on one guy in a car and one guy out of a car. Both died. So did the idiot who tried to drive in the mess and smacked into a tree. Trees + 90 mile an hour Winds + Rain = Death.

We're now up to 7 deaths from this measly category one storm. Man, I shuttered up the house and hunkered down (well maybe not hunkered down) with my wife and kids and waited it out.

Here's what Katrina did to a ficus tree a few streets down from me:

The damned thing blocks Fig Tree Lane... a major entry into our development (though luckily, not the only entry.)

I lost some Mango tree branches but got my electricity back before most of my friends. So I guess I came out of it okay.

Sometimes I think that man really was not meant to last as long as we have, on this unpredictable Earth.


Wonderfully Politically Incorrect, Part Two 

Reserve Thursday nights for FX.
Really. If you'd like to have a good laugh before bed, I highly recommend the two newest Mature Adult shows with the most immature subject matter:
Starved features a group of friends with eating disorders. What will you see in a show like this?
See! a bulemic cop pull over a bicycle riding Chinese food delivery boy so he can confiscate the delivery.
See! a well-built black man eat dinner for two every night, only to throw it all up.
See! the commodities trader who has his assistant lock up his chocolate snack cakes... the ones he's willing to eat out of a trash can, when desperate enough.
See! the rotund writer who visits an S&M parlor so he can watch football on TV while "spanking" a marital surrogate.
See! a bisexual anorexic bulemic singer songwriter compete for the lowest body-fat index... against a recovering cancer patient!
See! the commodities trader not follow his doctor's advice, resulting in testicles the size of grapefruits!
One hilarious show is followed up by another:
It's Aways Sunny in Philadelphia, a show about four 30 somethings who act like glue sniffing teens.
One week, the guys are hanging out a anti-abortion rallies... to pick up chicks for hot sex!
The next week... they're opening their bar for underage teens, allowing them to purchase watered-down drinks. They also windup invited the the prom! Welll.... sort of.

You just have to see these shows to believe them.
See them.


Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Wonderfully Politically Incorrect, Part One. 

I've totally abandoned regular broadcast networks. NBC? CBS? ABC? I don't ever seem to be able to click the channel down arrow past 42.

On Monday Nights, I watch the Travel Channel. Not for its insightful documentaries about tribal natives. I watch for Cash Peters. Cash used to lend his body and voice to some wild segments on NPR's weekly travel show. He would travel to quirky tourist traps and describe them to radio listeners. Places like the Barbed Wire Museum and the Lizzie Borden Bed and Breakfast (Bacon? No thank you). The best thing about his commentaries is the fact that he's brutally honest in a charmingly sarcastic way. He doesn't hold back his thoughts or questions, asking things like, "Why would anybody ever want to visit a museum dedicated to barbed wire?"
He's also writtten a book or two, Cash has.
And now he's on TV. The show is called Stranded, and the concept is a bit silly and knows it. Cash is stranded in some quirky part of the world without any cash. He charms his way into a native's heart and bums meals and a one night stay. This fast half hour show entertains greatly as Cash voices his opinions and observations while sometimes insulting the natives by simply being honest. Last night he visited Solvang, a California town that looked so Dutch that it could have been beamed to California from its founders' native country. Cash discovered many interesting things in Solvang: Cafes and bakeries, A Dutch History Museum, cafes and bakeries, a doll store, a "not-so-secret-society," and some cafes and bakeries. One baker even took him home for a restful night, reading him a story before bed!
At the doll shop, he asks the proprietor for a doll while somehow managing to insult the Dutch. Of course he apologized, but he did it somewhat left-handedly and got a bit of a dirty look for it. Apparently, the Dutch are very generous. In any case, she gave him the doll (he couldn't very well buy the thing since he had no money and you're quite sure that if he had had some money he wouldn't have bought the doll anyway).
If you're willing to sit through a commercial, you can see an ad clip, here.

Check out the show's schedule. Check out the show.

Tomorrow, I'll continue with an introduction to two new show on FX that take political incorrectness to new heights: "Are you hitting on me? At an abortion rally??"


Wednesday, August 17, 2005

The Great and Evil Beast: Zotob 

My niece has been reading a lot of H. P. Lovecraft. Though I've not read his horror stories, I'm a little familiar with his extremely original monster concepts: Giant octopi and ugly things with too many tentacles. He came up with great names for them, too. Names like: Cthulhu (the big octopus guy), Mi-Go (a race of yeti-folk), Tsathoggua (toad-like god-creature), Shub-Niggurath (Hellish cloud-like entity), and the Shoggoths (luminous and bubbly, they are).

I came across a new beast, today. The Great and Evil Beast Zotob.
This is another dark and tentacled monster created by the horrendous god-like being known as Gates, for its innate ability to open the gates from Hell to let loose numerous evils.
Any poor soul who cannot afford to employ a large force of guardians may be attacked by this nasty slithery thing.

Imagine that you are ruling over a large fortress, managing all of its soldiers, servants, and resources.
Once it gains access to your fortress, all is lost. Its many tentacles slither from one part of the compound to another and then another and so on... spreading little more than fear; but then fear may be quite effective at slowing down or halting the work of your servants.
They will lose many of their contacts with the outside world and have to scramble around like maniacs trying desperately to do what they've been trained to do for much of their miserable lives.
Your officers will need to make some hard decisions; sending some servants home while temporarily exporting their tasks to your allies in another region. That is, if your allies have not also been attacked by the hideous Zotob.

My day at The Big A Fortress has just begun. And already... it's been a strange one. Yes. We were attacked by Zotob. We're not paralyzed.

But we are scrambling.


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