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Friday, March 04, 2005

Welcome Home Martha! 

Domestic Diva Martha Stewart has returned to her home from the grueling five months of hard time she carried out at Alderson.
Reportedly, the first thing she did when she arrived at her modest little mansion was to cook up a perfectly fluffy French omelet. She then put on her white glove and inspected the house to ensure that the housekeeping had been satisfactory.

After a quick visit to the hidden safe in her 50 square foot walk-in closet, Martha reappeared donning her simple-yet-elegant diamond earrings.
“It was wonderful to finally be able to sit down on a toilet seat when taking a shit,” she confided to a friend.
She then apologized to the friend for having used such vulgar language.

We are all happy to see Martha come home. Her stock rocketed during her extended visit to Alderson, so she won’t likely be bothering her friends for a handout, any time soon. She may even have started a trend, according to the article appearing at JohnnyDakota (borrowed from the Borowitz Report).

Crime surely does pay.

The only downside to Martha’s house arrest is that she will only be allowed to work outside the home for 48 hours each week. We hope that Martha can find enough to do, since she was used to working over 83.5 hours per week and there’s only so much a diva can do in her own (almost spotlessly clean) home. Her outside work is likely to include dinner at The Four Seasons with her newest partner, Donald Trump.


“This partnership is almost perfect.” said Martha in one of her first post-prison interviews, “I only wish Donald would get a damned haircut.” She then apologized profusely for using such vulgar language. “I suppose I picked up a few bad habits at Alderson,” she explained as she stood at her pantry door, waiting for the guards to open it.



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