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Monday, August 23, 2004

The Fifth Element 

I was watching TV last night when I came across the movie, "The Fifth Element." So I watched it. Again. This is, like, the fifth time I've seen it. And I really don't know why I like it so much.
Try and follow this:
It stars Bruce Willis as a cab driver who'd retired from an elite military crew a short time before the story takes place. This all takes place in 2214 (or 2263, depending on your resource), when cabs fly through cities and Evil (Big E) is about to return to Earth. Gary Oldman plays a nasty bad guy, Zorg. (Is Zorg related to Ming the Merciless???) Gary is known for playing parts way over the top. In this movie, he outdoes himself.
The whole thing is rather silly. Evil, in the form of a rather large fiery planetoid, wants to destroy the Earth but will be defeated if four stones representing Earth, Wind, and Fire.. oh... and Water are returned to a sacred temple in the desert, along with The Fifth Element. Oh, and Bruce has to kiss the Fifth Element to get it to work.
Evil is the real bad guy. Even Zorg is afraid of it. I would be afraid, too, if Hershey's Syrup started dripping down my face every time Evil called me on the phone. Even without an apparent injury.
In any case, Bruce starts out the movie as a taxi driver just minding his own business. The Supreme Being AKA The Fifth Element is cloned from the hand that was found after nice guy aliens tired to bring her back to Earth in time to stop Evil. But bad guy aliens blew up their ship, if I remember rightly.(Are you following all this?)
The supreme being is played by Milla Javovich, who's quite pretty, if a bit flat chested for my taste. Certainly not "the perfect woman" in my book. After being cloned/revived, she escapes (I forget why and I missed the beginning of the movie, this time) by jumping off of a really really really tall building and landing in Bruce's cab. So - after the inevitable chase scene, he takes her to a priest who knows all about the Fifth Element and wants to take her to get the four stones which are being stored, conveniently, inside some opera diva's tummy. (Doesn't this all make a whole lot of sense?)
Bruce gets 2 free tickets to the Hotel where the diva is singing.
The military set it up because they want him to get the stones so he can save the world.
The priest wants to get the stones, himself. He steals Bruce's tickets.
Bruce steals them back and goes with Leeloo. Yes, The Supreme Being's name is Leeloo. For short.
One of Zorg's men fails to stop Bruce from getting onto the "plane" taking him to the hotel, so Zorg blows him up in a phone booth (they still have phone booths in 2214/2263? Try finding a phone booth, today!)
Then they throw in Chris Tucker as an annoying effeminate DJ (they still have radio, in 2214/2263) who screams all of his lines with that annoying shrilly voice of his. Did I say he was annoying? For some reason, all of the bit-part women in this movie swoon over Chris, even though he's usually wearing something that looks like a jumpsuit made of fur. And he's really annoying. Did I say that?
Milla kicks some alien ass and Bruce gets to blow things up. That's cool.
Bad guys kill the diva, which makes it that much easier for Bruce to reach in a grab the stones. Of course, they never explain how she got them into her mid-section in the first place. Did she swallow them? Suppositories?
Bruce takes the bloody stones (blue blood) and saves Chris, too. (Why oh why?)
The priest (who'd stowed away on board the plane) Leeloo, Bruce, and Chris steal Zorg's ship so they can zip back to Earth and save the day.
Zorg blows up with the hotel. Presumably, all of the guests managed to escape in less than a minute or so.
Evil realizes that they have the stones, so it zooms toward Earth, intent on crashing into it, thus creating evil havoc. (If it could do this, why didn't it just crash into the earth before Bruce and Co. found the stones?)
When Bruce and Co. reach the temple, the priest's assistant is with them, though I don't recall them picking him up, since he wasn't with them at the hotel. And why would they bother stopping to get him when there were only minutes left to save the world?
Annoying Chris Tucker actually gets to help save the world. Which is even more annoying.
Bruce kisses flat-chested Leeloo and bright light shoots from her up into space where it stops Evil in its tracks.
The End.

I wonder when it'll be on again.

This is National Truck Driver's Appreciation Week



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